Without You I'm Lost
by TartanLioness
Summary: Raeted for a lot of swear-words... Albus is gone... Minerva doesn't know where he is... and she's lonely, very lonely. R


Title: Without You I'm Lost

Author: Tartan Lioness

Classification: Romance and a bit of angst I guess…

Set: When Albus is hiding at Aberforth's, before Minerva is hit by the Stunners…

Summary: Minerva has insomnia and writes her feelings into a journal.

Warning: If you don't like old people falling in love, **read no further!**

Disclaimer: All I own is the plot. I have no money so please don't sue me!

A/N: I know that Minerva would probably know where Albus is and that Minerva was not transferred to St. Mungo's right after the attack but for the purpose of this story this has changed. Thanks to my beta Lily! Luv ya, sis!

Minerva sighed and got out of bed. The full moon shone through her window. She wrapped her dressing gown around her and sat down at her desk. She opened her journal and began writing. Ever since Albus had had to leave she had hardly slept. She used her journal to keep check of her days and her feelings as she knew no one would ever read it and therefore she could be completely honest.

I hardly sleep anymore but when I do… God, it's sweet torture! He invades my dreams! I see him everywhere. The only one I have ever loved. The only one who has ever been able to make me want to smile, laugh, cry or throw things around. The only one who's devastated my soul because I can't have him. But when I wake up I curse the night and the darkness for doing these things to my head.

_It's only when I sleep I'm allowed to touch him, kiss him, wrap my arms around him, absorb his warmth and inhale his scent. I couldn't stop if I wanted to. Unfortunately my deams are the only thing I can't control and the thing I hate the most._

_The jolt of electricity I feel when he looks at me is the same as in the dreams but in my dreams I don't have to look down and pretend it didn't happen. _

_My dreams of him are so real that I see and experience everything almost too clearly. I'm submerged in a haze of feeling safe, warm and loved. It tears my heart and I have to take a deep breath and tell myself it isn't true. _

_I see his wonderful face and those amazing blue eyes no matter what. Awake or asleep, they're always there. I see the way he looks at me, that special twinkle in his eyes, as if it was reserved for me. But is it? I wonder. He is a powerful man with a powerful aura, and he attracts women naturally. Whether he wants to or not. He has some really great qualities, especially a respect for women, which is hard to find. _

_When I lie here in the dark I wonder how I am going to get through this. Albus is gone. I so wanted to help him, I wanted to show him that he's not alone. And he told me not to. I was ready to disobey him but I knew that that would only have made it worse. The look in his eyes when he left was almost unbearable. Not knowing whether or not he's okay drives me crazy. When he gets back I will still be here but my sanity is a different matter. _

_Sometimes I almost wish I had never met him. I know that sounds awful but then I wouldn't have to go through this. I love him more than anything and I cannot tell him. If I had never met him I would not feel this awful pain. My heart contracts every time he looks at me and it hurts so much to know that I can never have him. He is quite possibly the only one who sees me, Minerva, not strict old Professor McGonagall. And yet he has never seen my love for him._

_So here I lie, one sleepless night after the other, making plans I will never carry out. Plans of how to tell him. Then I realize that that would be completely unexpected from me. Tough, brave, dependable.That's what I should be. That's what I usually am. Sometimes I wonder if people even see me as a human being. But I am. I am merely a witch, a woman with a heart and a soul. A woman, who's able to fall in love just like everybody else. Maybe no one ever realized that. _

_I'm tired of being confused, tired in general. I feel like I'm many years older than I am. Nights like this makes things worse. A perfect sky, perfect stars and no one to share them with. Sometimes I'm just ready to give up. But then I remember that my cubs need me. And that keeps me going for a while._

_Colleagues, the best of friends. It's just not enough anymore. But the only place I have what is enough, is in my dreams. Because in my dreams I can be Minerva Dumbledore._

_Minerva McGonagall_

She missed him terribly. Never had she been more worried or scared. She knew that if she lost him she would not be able to go on. Not knowing drove her mad with worry and her façade had begun to break. Parts of the staff, Severus in particular, had seen her worry lines get deeper, her eyes get more and more red from lack of sleep and had noticed the fact that she ate less and less.

She sighed again and rose, making her way to her bed. As she passed her window she looked outside. The full moon was more beautiful than Minerva had ever seen it, a promise of better times. At least she hoped so. Maybe soon that Umbridge woman would be gone and they could have peace again. And then Albus would be home too.

As Minerva looked at the moon, a man in Hogsmeade did the same. And he longed for the woman standing in her chambers in the great castle, so close by and yet so far away. He knew it was a risk but he needed to see her. Soon. Yes, soon he would. Then Albus went to bed after saying a quick goodnight to his brother.

0000000

Albus swung his Invisibility Cloak around his shoulders and apparated to the edge of Hogwarts' grounds. He made his way to the great doors that led him to the Entrance Hall. It was late and he didn't meet anyone on his way to Minerva's chambers, though he knew that some students were probably out after curfew and snuck around, exploring the great castle they lived in. Even he had done that when he was a student and he knew that Minerva and her friends had too. You simply couldn't go through Hogwarts without being out after curfew at least once.

Albus spoke the password to Minerva's private chambers so he would not make any noise. When her entered her livingroom he got a strange feeling that not everything was as it should be. He looked around, frowning. Something was definitely wrong. He strided across the room to the door to her bed chambers. He knocked lightly, hoping to wake her up. Not a sound. He knocked a little louder, thinking she was just a heavy sleeper. Still nothing. The feeling of something being terribly wrong got stronger. Finally he tried to open the door. It was open. His eyebrows shot up into his hairline. Minerva would never leave her bedroom door unlocked. Pushing the door open he stepped into her room and saw… Severus Snape. Severus was sitting beside Minerva's bed and was looking very very sad. He looked up, alarmed by the sound of the door opening.

"Albus? Is that you?"

"It is. Severus, what are you doing here? Where's Minerva?"

"Albus, you shouldn't risk exposure by coming here. You have to disappear again. Go, before that woman finds out you're here."

It was obvious to Albus that Severus was trying not to answer his question. Even if Severus was very good at lying, Albus had known the younger man for many years and saw right through him.

"I will go back when you tell me where Minerva is, Severus. Not a second before."

"Where have you been?"

"It will be better if you do not know. That way Umbridge won't be able to make you say it, even with the strongest Veritaserum. Now, tell me where Minerva is!" he yelled.

"She's… gone, Albus."

Albus almost choked. "What do you mean 'gone'?"

"She's at St. Mungo's."

"What? Why?"

"She… That Umbrigde woman was trying to sack Hagrid just because he's a half giant… and… Minerva… she was so brave, Albus, she ran out there and defended him. They didn't give her a chance, Albus. She took four Stunners right to her chest."

Albus was speechless. He was so scared now. Not for himself, not scared of Umbridge or Voldemort. He was scared for the life of the woman he loved. He quickly sat down in a chair, looking at Severus with a strange look.

"She'll… She should be fine, Albus. She's a strong woman. She'll make it."

"Yes… her cubs need her… she'll be back… for them," Albus said, still looking as if he couldn't believe it.

"Yes, she will… for them and… and for you, dear Headmaster."

"Me?"

"I came in here to be in her presence angain… she has treated me so well… You and her were the only ones who really believed in me when I returned to the Light Side. I just wanted to be here… contrary to popular belief we are very good friends… so I came in here… and I found that," he pointed at the desk. Albus rose and walked to her desk. Her journal was lying on it, a mark just around the middle. Albus looked questionally at Severus.

"I wanted to see what she wrote, I thought it was school notes. Read it, Albus. Then you will understand why she will come back for you. Not only for her cubs, they are only half the reason."

Albus opened the journal and began reading. His eyes widened. When he was done he looked up into the dark eyes of Severus.

"See? She will come back for you. She loves you," Severus said.

"But…"

"No buts, Headmaster. You have to go back into hiding. Now!"

"I will be back, Severus. Give that awful woman hell. I wish I could do it myself but I would be grateful if you'd do it for me."

"With pleasure," he responded through gritted teeth. "I love Minerva, Albus. She's a very dear friend to me. Be careful. Don't risk exposure!"

"I have to see her, Severus. I'll be careful, but I have to see her because…"

"… you love her too," he finished, smiling slightly.

"Yes… Goodnight, my friend."

"Goodnight, Albus. Be careful and give her my best."

"I will." And with those words he left the room and made his way as fast as possible to the point of Apparation.

His ropes were billowing around him as he made his way up the halls of St. Mungo's.

"Where is Minerva McGonagall?" he asked the young witch at the reception politely.

She didn't look at him, merely asked, "Are you family?"

"Yes," he answered without as much as a blink of an eye. She told him the way to Minerva's rooms and he made his way there quickly.

As he entered her rooms he paled. She was lying limp underneath the crisp white sheets, almost as pale as them. He swallowed. The strong, formidable woman was almost unrecognizable. The Minerva McGonagall Albus knew was not the pale, skinny ghost of a woman lying in the hospital bed. He quickly made his way to the bed, touching her hand as if to make sure that she was still alive. Yes, she was still warm.

"Oh, Merlin, Minerva. I should never have let you alone with that woman. I knew she's insane. I should have known that she would do anything to make sure everyone close to me would get away from Hogwarts along with all those she doesn't like. Oh, Merlin! Why did I have to leave you there, Minerva? How could I have been so stupid?"

His hand lightly caressed her features. He wished so much she would just wake up. Just wake up and asure him that everything was going to be alright. That she would be fine. He silently begged her to wake up, to open her eyes. Four Stunners. And Minerva was not that young anymore. And even a witch as powerful as Minerva had her limits.

Albus sat with her untill dawn. Then he once again swung the Cloak around his shoulders, became invisible and left the hospital. Of course he _was_ able to turn invisible without a cloak but this was so much easier for him and he was not sure he'd have the strength to keep up the wards.

Night after night Albus visited his love and he never left before dawn. Minerva was never awake. She never knew of his late night visits. She would not have approved of it. She would not have wanted him to risk so much just to come see her. But he kept coming, night after night, just to see her sleeping. Every night she looked a little better than the night before, but she was still very pale and very thin.

But one night she looked much better. And as he sat down at her bedside and brushed her cheek with the back of his hand. Then he picked up her hand just like every other night and kissed it gently, letting his lips linger there, enjoying the feel of her skin. But when he looked up he didn't see her beautiful face fast asleep. Her emerald eyes were looking intendly at him, trying to decide whether or not she should pull back her hand or let it stay put. Albus quickly let go of her hand, his breath catching in his throat.

"Minerva," he whispered. "You're awake."

"So… so it would seem, Albus," Minerva hoarsely said.

"How… Minerva… Are you… How do you feel?"

"Like… like I've been hit with four Stunners… right to my chest," she whispered hoarsely with more than a tone of sarcasm.

"You were, Minerva," he cluckled.

"I know… Albus what are you doing here? Not that I don't appreciate it but you really shouldn't risk exposure."

Albus smiled slightly. "Somehow I knew you were going to say that, my dear."

After a while Minerva dosed back to sleep and Albus once again left at dawn. But not before planting a gentle kiss to Minerva's forehead and whispering a quiet, "I love you."

After that he did not come back. Minerva woke at night feeling lonely again but she never saw Albus again. After a while she began to believe it had all been a dream. That he had never said he loved her. Because she had not been quite asleep.

0000000

Minerva made her way to Albus' office, slowly walking up the many flights of stairs. Her walking-stick slowed her but at least she didn't have her carpetbag and cloak. She slowly shook her head at the thought of those two dim-witted gorillas Malfoy always had with him.

She spoke the password and was soon on her way to the magnificent office. She knocked briskly on the thick wooden door and was rewarded with a warm mile as Albus opened the door for her.

"You're home. Thank Merlin!"

"And so are you, Albus. You really belong here. It felt so wrong to be here when you weren't." She stepped into his arms and embraced him.

"Welcome home, my dear," Albus whispered and Minerva truly did feel at home when she was in his arms. Instead of answering she just snuggled closer to him, pressing her body against his as if she'd never let go.

"Minerva… there is something I need to ask you about," Albus said as he led her to his couch. They sat down, side by side. Minerva looked expectantly at him. "I read your journal, Minerva. Well, only one entry but I read it. I know that it was wrong, Minerva, but I don't regret it."

"YOU READ MY JOURNAL!"

"Yes, Minerva. I came to your chambers and Severus told me that if I needed answers I should look in that journal. I knew that it was not right but I needed to know. I needed to know why Severus was so keen on making me be careful. I had to know why he said you'd be back for me."

Minerva looked horrified.

"Why did you never tell me, Minerva?"

"Tell you what?"

"That you love me," Albus gently replied. Minervas eyes widened and she paled.

"I… I guess… I mean… umm… I… er…"

"Yes, Minerva?" he inquired. Suddenly something seemed to snap in Minerva.

"Don't bother, Albus Dumbledore," she bit. "It doesn't matter. Nothing has to change, nothing is going to! I'll just be your ever faithful, loyal Deputy and you'll go back to your role as Headmaster. We'll be friends but that's it."

With those words she stood and walked to the door. But before she reached it, it disappeared.

"Restore the door, Dumbledore!" Minerva was getting angry. Her long time friend had never made her blood boil as it did at this moment.

"No, Minerva, I'm afraid I cannot do that," Albus said, a bit taken aback by her harsh tone.

"OPEN THE BLOODY DOOR, ALBUS DUMBLEDORE! OR I WILL BLOODY RIP OUT YOUR STILL-BEATING HEART AND STICK IT ON A BLOODY PIKE!" Minerva screamed at him.

"Minerva," Albus replied calmly, "Please don't do that. Please sit down, Min. I need you to tell me something very important."

"Stop talking to me as if I was some child!"

"Then stop acting like you are one!"

"Will you just bloody let me out!"

"No, my dear, not until you answer my questions."

"I will do no such thing! I refuse to be your circus monkey!" Minerva sighed. Albus had to refrain himself from laughing at the mental image of Minerva as a circus monkey. But he knew that this was not the best time to laugh in her face. Suddenly a complpetely different feeling rose inside him.

"MINERVA MCGONAGALL! Stop being such a pain!" Albus was getting agitated. "I will not tolerate that you talk to me like that, young lady! We may be friends but you still have to treat me with the same repect I treat you with!"

"Respect! YOU read MY journal! Without my permission! I have written secrets in the journal, Albus Dumbledore! Secrets that no one was ever supposed to know about!"

"That you love me for example?"

"Yes! That I BLOODY LOVE YOU FOR EXAMPLE!"

"I BLOODY LOVE YOU TOO!"

"I DON'T CARE! JUST LET ME OUT! I WILL NOT… you do?" Minerva was dumbfounded.

"Yes, I do, Minerva. I have loved you for so many years. When I read that entry in the journal I was so amazed. I never believed that you could possibly love an old man like me. I am so many years your senior. But I do love you, Minerva. And I was afraid I'd lost you," he said, gently caressing her cheek. She leaned into his touch, feeling the famous electric jolt. But she did not look away this time. She looked straight into his eyes.

"I meant what I wrote, Albus. I love you. In my dreams I am Mrs. Albus Dumbledore."

"Shall we make it reality too, my love?"

"What?"

"Marry me, Minerva. Be Mrs. Albus Dumbledore in reality."

"Of course I will marry you, Albus. And I'll be proud to carry your name." He wrapped his arms around her waist and lowered his lips to hers. She responded quickly to the kiss, their argument and the yelling forgotten.

"I cannot promise I'll be here for the rest of your life. But I promise I will love you for the rest of mine."

THE END!

A/N: Let me know what you thinnk! Review! I kinda needed to write something a bit happier after the last one… still can't believe I wrote that one… But anyway… REVIEW PLEASE!


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